Manefesto

Meditating on a Manifesto
Re-decorating the bedroom at mums house
And composing a manifesto
Memory
daydream
of you
Time and processes.
Embrace the process
Peeling off the wall papers
Steam and scrape.
I strip away the layers
I excavate
find you
unexpected lump in the throat
avoid sentiment
think macho manifesto
can’t

Homage to authenticity

Self

.i can’t remember how you were.
Wallpaper peels away
look
Horses with the wind in their tails…fixed in flight
Scratching at the surface
Weeping lets me know I’m getting nearer
Something just out of sight
But lodged in my throat
There is a void
A hole
Layers
Boogiemen and secret camps
Hanging out of the window
Calling to your mates
Light summer evenings
Adults mowing lawns
You used to play here
I can’t see you now
coming back for you.
a place which is so very far away now
you were nine
you cried because you knew
when you left junior school
you were going away
growing up they call it
you told
me
can not go backwards
we will not ever be nine again,
mine again,
not ever
you seemed afraid of this revalation
that was the first time we met, you might not remember
I remember now
It’s space so isolatingly numbing
We cannot go back you said as the thought dawned on you
And you drowned in it
Plop
gone
with resounding emptiness
And time rushed in to meet you
In
out
It made you sob
And you made me cry
You played in your head
And crossed the oceans until you
Were no longer within these realms
You asked me where the universe ended
And we made pictures in our head
With “purity and chaos”
Little sponge
So special
So trusting
Un-infected
and never knew the time.
And you did not ‘know’ ‘
You just…. did be.
in the gallery of my mind I can see your playgrounds
haptic visions
memories enlarge
distort
eventually comply
I remember the tombs and the valleys
And a thousand shafts of fractured light, the disco mirror ball spinning, still.
slashing through my dreams The 20foot jack in the box,
the spiders on the wall paper.
Cleopatra’s demise troubled you.
I will find
you
you will not know me
you may not like me
I want
to be like you
You would not recognise me
What I have done to me.
I remember how you made stuff
“in the realm of nonsense”
And you did not know what it meant
And you didn’t care ‘wot’ they ‘fought’
You didn’t know they thought.
I saw you at the steps
but then you seemed to slip away
when you created
you were happy.
You just ‘did’.
I just …’.don’t’…
…cannot!
But when I find you
And set up once more
In the “ real powers” of un-me-ness
“And in the imagination
Order,
Dis-order
Self’
Not self’
Affirmation’
Negation,”
I will paint me back to you
back to me
paint
paint
to music
paint to tears
paint my worries
paint my fears
they have become companions since you left
and they smile at me
paint the song and the dance
.paint the word
.paint the seed
.paint the web
.paint the dust
.paint
;paint
.paint
;“with all the unhampered ,
unburdened,
freedom which I can convince myself of…and imbue me with.
.i will shake lose the shackles
of aesthetic and social constraint”
………………

………………
when I find you
.I will find you
.this is my manifesto
painting me
back
to
you
.but I cannot promise you anything anymore.